Before I write an extremely sentimental post about the ending of my high school life and all, I am going to talk about something else that's pretty weepy as well.

For about 6 months (and even now) I have had an extremely unhealthy relationship with food. Unhealthy as in I absolutely detested eating anything and everything.

I was fat as hell (to me at least) and I was disgusted at myself for being the fattest damn shit everywhere I went. It didn't exactly help that my sister lost a ton of weight in Australia during the earlier part of the year. Insecure, I took it upon myself to lose all the fats I accumulated over the years.

I decided to start eating "clean" and "healthy". In short, I cut out almost all carbs from my diet and started eating like a mouse. The sight of chocolates and sweets was painful because I loved those things but was too wrapped up with the idea that every gram of sugar was like a pound of fat.

The fatty meat and crunchy chicken skin? Don't eat those things anymore. Noodles for breakfast? Not a chance. I ate strictly whole grains and loaded up on the greens, convincing myself that I was "healthy".

That wasn't the worst part, by the way. Right before spm, I suddenly became paranoid of gaining weight. I stopped all sports and effectively all my calorie-burning activities. I was so freaking afraid of gaining weight I studied from early in the morning till dinner without eating much more than a packet of biscuits.

Then I lost more weight.

I dropped from 52 kg to 48 kg, and at my lowest I was 47 and a half kg during the one week break.

Then I had a stark realization that I wasn't doing this diet thing properly. I did not respect food as I should have, and I sure as hell i did not treat my body right.

You may think it's ridiculous, how one can rationalize doing something like this. How can one abandon so much. You should know that seeing crazy skinny girls everywhere and seeing comments that they're so incredibly pretty of beautiful even when the pictures don't include their faces is demoralizing. It makes one feel incompetent.

So get your goddamn English right and stop equating skinny with pretty you freaking dumb shits.

Nobody can completely undo their bad decisions within a week. I am trying my best though.

I finished my noodles for the first time this morning in almost a year, and didn't give myself too much hell for it. I've been slowly eating rice again and haven't been so particular about eating a pack of biscuits for a snack.

I ate cakes with ice cream.

I am trying to undo my stupidity. I am trying to undo the effect society had on me.

I am trying to heal myself before I step deeper into this black hole.

I sincerely hope someone will read this and realize that beautiful does not require one to starve to death, or completely cut out an entire food class. Sometimes it is about the balance in life, and though I admit I still cut back a ridiculous amount on my meals, I am trying to normalize my diet again.

I hope that I would find the courage to rediscover a proper relationship with food.

I still feel fat though. ._.

:)