monologues.

as i walked in to school today, i noticed how dark the sky still was, despite it being almost 7.30am already, and the bright round moon still hanging around overlooking the city below. the past few days have been mentally challenging for me, and i know for sure now, that i need more life experiences.

what makes a good leader, a good leader?

i've struggled with this question for the past few days, and i've found it hard to find an answer within myself. i've been told that being a captain of a sports team definitely means that you will be hated, and hated badly for every decision you make that isn't in the interest of particular individuals. everytime you raise your voice, you will earn spite. everytime you fumble, there's always that one member that will forever pick on it and hate you, forever.

despite knowing all of this i decided to take this responsibility positively. even so, i feel the stress from trying to keep everyone happy, create a team bond between the main players, and keeping my sanity in check weighing down on me, hard. i feel like i'm being crushed by individual expectations of me, and what im supposed to be capable of doing.

it's hard, not having a coach. i don't have years of experience, and neither have i ever been selected as even a district player. i'm nothing, compared to many others. yet, i try my best to research and find out the best way to train a team of people without pissing all of them off to the point of quitting. it's hard, because im not a good enough player to be respected. i have no reason to be respected, and for that, i cannot order people around with them always thinking that i have their best interest in mind.

i am simply too weak and inexperienced.

i also have too much too learn. i don't know the right way to respect people. under pressure, i become a complete bitch. under pressure, i cannot perform, yet, i must tell my team members to perform better.

i have to be a hypocrite.

im not so naive to think that 'everyone's going to have a spectacular time during training and nobody goes home angry'. bitch please, i go home angry at myself everyday, because when i reflect, im actually a horrible person.

one can only try and fail so many times.

it's hard to try to not be disheartened. it's hard to stay positive. it's hard when you hear rumours about people around you hating you for putting in effort. it's disheartening to know that everything you've done in the best interest of everyone has gone to waste, because they hate you for it.

i wish that we have a coach. at least another figure that's not in the team to command us, and tell our rights from our wrongs. someone who can command the respect of the team without garnering excessive hate. a simply put, a coach. but it's already too late to hope, and at best i can only bring in a coach for 2 days over the weekend, discreetly so i don't get screwed over by the school.

i want to try my best, for everyone. four days left. :/