monologues.

there's been alot on my mind lately. too many tough decisions, too little time. sometimes i wish i could just take the easy way out, and run away from these things instead of facing them head on. then again, if i ever do that, i'll never be able to reap the benefits of anything, because of my fear of taking risks.

i have about a day left to decide whether to go to camerons. since li shan decided not to go, my decision became that much harder to make, not only because i'll basically be going there ALONE, but also because im a complete outsider there. it's not easy to mix with people who already have preconceived notions of your incapability to live up to their standards. it's not easy to shake off my own perception that some of these people will probably look down on me, constantly, just because i haven't been one of them from the beginning.

there's also this problem with club loyalty. if i ever happen to have to make the choice between volleyball and athletics, i will definitely choose volleyball in a heartbeat, if my mindset in the future remains as it is now. what if one day in the near future, i will have to choose either one, because of stress and studies? what if i crumble under the pressure of having to commit to two clubs which demand equal amounts of time and commitment?

what if i can't meet the expectations of either, and die in the process.

what makes it an even bigger dilemma is that once i attend this camp, there's no return. i have to join, or i'll simply be wasting the school's money and sir's time.

and what if i really am a talent-less waste of time. :/

but then again, this is a really great chance to train myself up physically and mentally for mt kinabalu. not to say that im incapable of training myself, but this would definitely be better than any other training regime i could think of by myself. there's also the environment and the understood fact that everyone's there to train. there's no such thing as being weak, and quitting or slacking. my sense of responsibility would overcome any weakness that is present in my mind, at that time.

argh, typing this out doesn't make a difference anymore. the pros and cons are almost equal. maybe there are no cons after all, and im just making excuses for myself.

dammit.