there's loads of things i want to do, but just cannot.

1. i sound almost robotic playing musical instruments.

i think the overuse of the left side of my brain has severely compromised my ability to put any amount of soul in to the music i play, and instead giving me slightly higher developed math skills and memory than a normal kid. in short, im a freaking doomed product of 11 years of asian education. sometimes i wonder why i can't play music like you know, wonderfully, since i've been involved in music since i was a kid and all. maybe these kinds of things are preset, and if you have it, you have it, if you don't, too bad.

2. i can't run for nuts.

proven. definite. even when i was a small naive little child who's general outlook of life was still bright. i've always been this slow thing that could never face anyone. i was afraid to run, actually. even so, i'm comforted by knowing that my stamina has been pretty trainable. it would increase two-fold in a really really short amount of time, but then i would lose it just as fast. funny, how my body works. one day i can run 6kms and 2 weeks after i would be huffing and puffing at 2km.

3. i cannot fit in crowds easily.

shy la dei. really, i envy people who can just walk up to others, smile and becoming friends just like that.

4. i am probably masochistic.

to those of you who don't know what a masochist it, google it please. i happen to pile up my work and push myself to a dead end. i end up regretting that i've taken on such huge responsibilities and end up having a mental breakdown, half angry at the whole world for causing me so much stress but nevertheless, i keep coming back for more. another thing is, jogging until i feel stitches in my stomach, or until i puke, is a non-issue. i happen to do it quite often actually. thus, my realisation that i've been exhibiting signs of masochism for a very long time indeed.

5. i have self-control issues.

whenever i start some new game, or i start reading this really interesting book or manga, i get out of control. i cannot stop myself, or rather, i choose not to stop myself. i guess one reason for this is that these games/ books/ mangas have totally different realities compared to mine, and i usually start doing all these kinds of things when im not in a very good place in my own life, or im facing stressful situations. in short, it's my way of running away from reality, even if it's just for abit. it's like how some people binge on food, or how some people study till their brains fall out. i just, read and play games.

6. i'm mean.

straightforward, blunt, unforgiving. i refuse to sugar coat truths because i think sometimes it's cheating a person of the full impact of the matter. im a pretty mean person. i also crack sarcastic jokes out of insecurity. i can't list down any examples of that now, but im pretty sure i do. i also happen to put down people who have things that i want, which is a really bad thing which i must get out of my system immediately.


k enough self bashing for today. im pretty inspired by myself actually, and even though it's counter-intuitive, self reflection is good. laughing about how worthless you are is also good. it's a healthy practice, really. puts your whole world back in to perspective for awhile. (: