gold. for my entire 16 years of existence, this medal, or this position has eluded me. never been the best, just better. jack of all trades, master of nothing. my own quiet realisation that the best i'll be is a silver stings at the places where it hurts the most. it shouldn't really matter, but my own insecurity with my own abilities keeps bringing this feeling of not being good enough to the surface, and im left to settle my own turbulent emotions whirling around my in my head.

some people refer to this as the 'devil'. honestly i'd rather not think so highly of my own doubt, insecurity and sadness. it is not an external force you are at war with, but instead, you are only fighting with yourself. in other words, you are your biggest enemy.


probably all of this stems from the fact that i've always lived in a shadow. whether it's been under an umbrella, or a huge wall that i'll never be able to overcome, the effect's been pretty much the same. i constantly feel like im in the dark, trying to get a grip on myself, but forever failing.


*


soo hurt my ankle AGAIN. twisted toes AGAIN. fungal reinfection AGAIN. tooot toooot tooooooooot. -__- im covered with plasters and guards and injuries of all sorts. i don't care what they say, im wearing slippers to school tomorrow. can't take the torture of having the feeling of my toenails being peeled off my toes and the constant urge to scratch my never-healing infection, and the wobbly-ness of my shoes taking it's own toll on my ankle. SIGH. i am, crippled at 16.

i slept, woke up, posted stuff on the volley wall, argued with my sister about her license, and im here. dying to go back to sleep but my homework is nagging me. GARH CRABBY AND GRUMPY AND FRUMPY. whatever la screw mod math. BED, HERE I COME.

what a load of crap la. im done. taa (: