sorry then, i shall refrain telling you how i feel, if that is the source of your anger. i let my tongue slip a little too often.

i feel disgusted at myself for gossiping like that too. sorry.

*

psht, now that i think about it, i don't know the definition of real friends anymore. what defines them? the amount of trust you put in them? the amount of help you're willing to give them in times of need? like-mindedness? the ability to be able to share anything with them?

honestly if those are what defines true friends, i am sad to say im too much of a controlled person to have one. too many bad experiences in discovering these people, that it's safe to say that i've given up looking for these people, if they ever exist in the first place. too many issues within myself to want to burden others with my problems.

too many things i refrain myself from saying because i've lost my ability to completely trust anyone.


i've always had this feeling of anger within me. angry with the fact that im never good enough for anyone. bad enough for people to constantly pick at my mistake like it's a dry scab. it's sickening, how my mind can wonder to thoughts of disappearing, because im so sick of everything. sick of living up to my own expectations. sick of living up to my parents expectations. sick of holding up my walls against the world. somehow all i want is to destroy everything, and start over.

as if that's ever going to happen.

i feel like, im so full of regret in my life already, that i can never move forward without some past incident haunting me. i feel as if the mistakes that i've made have formed a cage around me, preventing me from moving anywhere, except from the spot i am now. to put it metaphorically, i feel like a bird in a cage, able to see whatever there is outside but never able to get there.

im not asking for an ideal life, i just want to move on to a place where im aware of what i've done, instead of reliving every mistake i've ever done, constantly thinking of things that i should have done to prevent the problem. no matter how euphoric the moment may be, there's always a place in my mind, that is constantly thinking of what i should have done. but there is no place for what i should be doing.

hah, im not weak enough to turn to drugs and suicide and the likes of it. im also not strong enough anymore to put up a fake smile to displace my sad subconsciousness anymore.

'fake tears are capable of hurting others, but fake smiles are only capable of hurting oneself.'

i am, a filthy bundle of problems and regrets.


i don't need your pity or your concern. im just voicing out how i feel at the present moment, and the moment will pass.